At the Insomniac Cinema screening of "Plan 9 from Outer Space" the other evening, management thought they would try a new experiment at their midnight show - live comedy!
Well, I guess you could say it went over like a lead balloon!
The audience responded to the little sideshow much like they would a nasty rash -maybe because it was the witchin' hour and they were tired - or due to the fact they were all hyped up and anxious to take in "Plan 9". I don't know!
The first comic was pleasant enough, but his jokes lacked bite - and humor!
Pre-requisites for a comedian, I expect.
However, he was such a sweet little nerdy-type, that the tough audience just kinda' batted him off like a pesky little insect, not annoying enough to crush underfoot.
But, the second comedian, well - when things didn't fair well - he went for the jugular!
It didn't help matters that there were three hecklers in the crowd who were funnier than he was. In fact, for a moment, I thought they were a plant - a part of the act - corralled to spice up the spot a tad.
At one point, the comic - from Denver - asked the one annoying teen (who was killing his act) - what sign he was.
After a long groan from the audience, the lad finally coughed up,
"I don't know".
"Tell me the month you were born," the comic urged.
I guess that was the surprise hook he needed to snare the pimply teen, 'cause the lad fell for the bait and offering up the month.
"Oh, you're an a**hole," the comic quipped, without batting an eye.
Ba-dump!
Gotcha.
Typical of comics desperate for a laugh, he resorted to a tactic spelled out by well-known comedian, Red Skeleton who once astutely noted,
"Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people."
But, the spot went downhill from there, fast.
In a desperate effort to get a laugh - the comic, who's name I can't recall (it was that memorable) - made a derogatory comment about the mold in the old theatre stirring up his sinuses.
Nope, still no cigar from beyond the footlights.
But, two strikes.
First lesson: don't annoy your audience. Second, don't insult your host.
At this juncture, it was a real struggle for the man dressed to the nines in "full Denver" (white belt & white shoes ensemble) to win over the respect of anyone in the room.
He now thumbed through a small booklet as he growled,
"Well, enough of the foreplay."
Couldn't he remember his jokes? Or was that a manual that cited the rules and regulations to abide by when an audience gives you up for a loser and goes astray?
Then, he went off into the deep end, never to return.
"Well, I'll tell a faggot joke. To gay people, the word faggot is like the "N" word is to a Black person. Except, I'd rather deal with an angry gay person than an African American - they're less scary."
No response, not even a - "nice a**" - from the gay men in attendance.
Nada!
So, now he was desperate and went with a pre-historic joke form.
"Knock. Knock."
"Who's there," the audience screamed.
"911."
"911, who?"
"I thought you said you'd never forget?"
Dead silence.
Well, on a positive note, it was good to know that Americans still find it difficult to make jokes about 911.
In the final analysis, the experiment at the Regency failed; in large part due to the fact both comedians lacked the experience, comedic timing, and basic talent to pull the shtick off.
If you query Seinfeld or Leno about their macaroni & cheese days - they'll probably tell you horror stories about one-night gigs around the country - where they handily dealt with hecklers and drunks in dives they did seat-of-your-pants "stand up" in to pay the bills.
Bottom line, the experience turned them into seasoned professionals, capable of turning out a positive result with any dilemma that came their way.
Hence, the reason they sauntered on to fame and fortune in the topsy-turvy competitive world of night-time TV.
In fact, Johnny Carson was a master at taking a bad joke that bombed, and turning it around, into a clever little firecracker that often exploded into a huge laugh.
That not only took a lot of finesse, but skill, as well.
Unfortunately, the two comics at the Regency were out of their league, even in a venue as low-brow as it was.
But, keep at it, kids! You did better than moi.
Years ago, I signed up to do a stint at the Comedy Store. Before they called my name, I dashed out the back door - terrified!
One day, you might strike gold with your oddball antics.
I'll always remember the first time I saw Roseanne do stand up.
"Heh, this lady is good," I recall thinking to myself.
I knew she would hit the big time. And, she did.
Unfortunately, it's usually an uneven temperament, insecurity, and a nasty ego, that does a good comic in.
But, there are always a dozen standing in line to queue up to take their place.
They would be wise to take the advice of Jack Benny who once said,
"It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause."
