Each week, a newspaper carrier zips around ritzy Beverly Hills and tosses the latest cellophane-wrapped edition of Beverly Hills (213) on the front doorsteps of the tony elite in the ritzy enclave.
The splashy weekly is probably one of the last hold-outs - in extravagant wide-broadsheet format, anyway - with class written all over it.
Thin yes, but packed with eye-catching publicity shots of the latest designer fashions and accessories to grace the expensive racks on Rodeo Drive, and elsewhere.
A couple of known columnists grace the pages inside - James Bacon (who often wistfully reflects on the golden days of Hollywood and - likewise - a handful of old drinking cronies) and Rex Reed (who's inclined to chat over the latest little celluloid offering that has either revved up a delightful fanciful experience or prompted a hateful diatribe about the misguided musings of a hack writer).
To add a touch of clubiness to the publication. the editors usually reserve a page or two for the express purpose of featuring flattering stills of the town's upper echelon out-on-the-town at glitzy red-carpet premieres and charity functions - sure to spread good will - and keep hefty donations flowing into the coffers.
Recently, I was thumbing through the publication over lunch at Whole Foods when I stumbled across a funny entertaining feature.
"Brain Optional" managed to breathe some fresh air into a staid old-guard attitude that normally prevails between the covers.
The feature is a weekly collection of hilarious quotes lifted from the tongues of the famous - and not-so-famous - that tend to tickle the funny bone.
In the studio days, Sam Goldwyn was known for putting his foot in his mouth with side-splitting results. His off-the-wall remarks were either a simple misuse of language - or quite frankly - a calculated effort on his part to drum up publicity for his thriving business.Some allege that Pete Smith - his publicity agent - collected a handful of the witticisms and distributed them to the newspaper and radio columnists to fan the flames and set Goldwyn apart from the competition.
His odd-ball comments became were known as "Goldwynisms".
Here's an example:
One evening, a friend of Mr. Goldwyn's was casually sipping on a cocktail, when he noticed a new abstract painting hanging on a prominent place on the wall.
"Where did you get the beautiful Picasso?"
Goldwyn peered at it for a moment, then responded:
"I don't remember. I think it was in Paris. Somewhere over there on the Left Wing."
On another occasion, when he wasn't feeling too well, he sighed to a friend,
"I've been laid up with intentional flu."
"He treats me like the dirt under my feet" is a favorite of mine; probably because I imagine it was a quip he made about an actor.
Another zinger - "I would be sticking my head in a moose" - was obviously inspired by that old circus trick where the "Master of Ceremonies" wows the audience by placing his head inside the open jaws of a powerful lion.
Two famous ones attributed to Goldwyn are:
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
And, "Gentlemen, include me out."
And a show biz favorite I often use in film reviews:
"They stayed away in droves."
"Brain Optional" featured a handful of outrageously funny "Goldwynisms" in a recent issue which are attributed to various individuals in the public arena.
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or the other."
George Bush
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
Yogi Berra
"The Streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's the people that make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo
"Sure, its going to kill people. But, they may be dying of something else anyway."
Othal Brand
Texas Pesticide Review Board
"I haven't committed a crime. I failed to comply with the law."
David Dinkins
New York City Mayor
(Tax evasion issue)
"We have only one person to blame and that's each other."
Barry Beck
New York Ranger
(fight with player)
The above quote may starting popping up in conversations around California in the near future when gays start filing for divorces, I expect.
As the say at MGM, that's it folks!
