Hitman...TV Drama in disguise?

In the opening montage of "Hitman", strains of Ava Maria play in the background, as a series of slick images introduce the audience to the tale about to unfold on screen.

For a moment, I thought I was sitting at home watching the TV.

"Hitman" has all the trappings of a fiction series for the idiot box, but lacks muster for the wide silver screen.

In spite of bad reviews, though, their packing 'em in at the movie theaters.

I expect the eye-catching, mysterious ads - surreptitiously tucked away here and there throughout the pages of the major dailies - intrigued a few!

Yeah - it was just a silhouette image in a provocative stance - hinting at mystery and adventure.

Self-explanatory, yes?

The "Hitman" is coming!

The fast-paced action scenarios about hired assassins, global intrigue, and mind-boggling thrills, have widespread appeal to young males in the eighteen to thirty-four-year-old age bracket.

Forget about realism.

Turn in your common sense to the usher at the door, please!

If you like - a riot of explosions, exhilarating smash-ups, imaginative wizardry, and a titillating flash of nubile young flesh - this one's for you, bud.


In fact, there's enough gadgetry and cutting-edge paraphernalia to satisfy any discerning techie junkie.

Unfortunately, only a person with half a brain would find the plot satisfying intellectually.


Here's the premise in a nutshell.

A secret organization recruits young men at a tender age and trains the studly innocents to become ruthless robot-style killers.

In essence, they're assassins for hire, who are virtually unstoppable.

But, the producers have ignored the obvious at times.

For example, a bald villain with a ubiquitous bar code on the back of his head?

Wouldn't the hired gun stand-out in a crowd, and later, be easily identified by witnesses?

Talk about loopy!

Notwithstanding this obvious flaw in the storyline, it also stretches one's credulity to imagine how a professional killer - at the top of his game - could miss an easy target.

In "Hitman", a nasty villain actually goes off half-cocked - and misses the package - in spite of the fact the target is out in the open without any obstructions in sight!

Gee, if I was the contractor, I'd want my moolah back pronto!

To make matters worse, the lead - Timothy Olyphant - has all the sex appeal of a rubber suit.

And a curious acting style, to boot.

His facial expression - yeah, there's only one - jogs the sensibilities.

Then, there's the stilted walk on slight tippie-toe, which effects a curious bounce whenever he struts gingerly by onscreen.

Ah, the super hero is a swish!

My favorite moment occurs when he's about to spring into action.

At that juncture, he lowers his chin slightly- levels his eyes into camera - and then advances forward slo mo.

A tad distracting.

A lot was exploited in "Hitman", but when it came to Olyphant, the producers looked askance.

Theatre-goers undoubtedly paused to wonder why the suits at the studio failed to jump on the opportunity to show off a little flesh - defined pecs, chiseled abs - the like.

Yes, there was one shower scene, but it was shot through frosted glass and consisted of a few seconds of a burly arm and out-of-focus chest.

Does Olyphant have a rash, I wonder. Maybe, his figure is less than Greek?

Perhaps the filmmakers expect fans to wait with bated breath for the sequel?

Gee, they lost me already.

I'd rather watch old episodes of the Six Million Dollar man.