Ellen DeGeneres...shameless promotion! Chelsea Lately gets a**y-face with dog...

Ellen turning into a woofer!

Will success spoil Rock Hunter - or - Ellen DeGeneres for that matter?

Usually, when I tune in to the perky talk-show host's afternoon show, Ellen is all sweetness and light.

And, the content - an hour or so of entertaining fluff - pretty harmless for the most part.

So, I was taken aback when the "aw-shucks" down-to-earth stand-up comic made a tasteless commercial pitch to guest Chelsea Lately.

Chelsea, who hosts a show featuring her own personal brand of humor on E Entertainment, was sharing an amusing tale about a dog she adopted (that otherwise would have been put to sleep) had she not stepped forward to provide shelter.

"I didn't have a dog for the same reasons I didn't have babies. I don't like feeding 'em or cleaning up after 'em, " she lamented with a look of smug satisfaction on her pretty face.

But, the experience of owning a pet warmed her heart a tad.

For instance, in spite of the fact she imagined she'd never be the kind of individual to allow an oversized dog into her comfy bed at night, Chelsea confessed the little charmer won her over.

In about two seconds flat the pouch was hopping up onto the bed snuggling up.

"But, it wasn't what I expected. I thought he'd curl up and put his hang-dog face next to mine," she giggled in so many words.

Fat chance!

After he did a little helicopter whirl around the bed once or twice, he flopped down, and thrust his a** right in her face!

The ultimate compliment, Chelsea!

Can 'ya hear me snickering?

Now, excuse me, while I throw up at the thought.

But, what really irked me yesterday, was the tasteless promotional plug that followed.

"Chelsea, I have some gifts for you," Ellen teased.

From a hiding-place nearby, the comic scooped up a dog collar and presented it to a surprised Chelsea.

"I have something else for you, too," the out-host excitedly piped up.

At this juncture, Ellen made a pitch for a product she sponsors.

"You know, Chelsea, I have a line of pet food. So, I put together a gift basket."

When a gofer strode out with a pretty basket chock full of dog food (and pet treats) Chelsea was speechless understandably.

Embarrassed for Ellen, perhaps?

It was such a shameless promotion, after all.

As Chelsea sat stone-faced for a second, Ellen made a pitch to the audience.

"It has a lot of nutritional value and the brand is good for your dog," she chirped with all the charm of a snake-oil salesman.

Don't they pay her enough at the Network?

Ellen, don't lower yourself, please!

http://www.thetattler.biz

Chelsea Handler...bi**ch fight with Paris! No class dish-water blond...

Skanky, baby!

In a recent interview Chelsea Handler - of  E! Entertainment infamy - hissed that celebrities were dumb plain and simple because they didn't know she said bad things about them.

Ms. Handler appears to be under the mistaken impression that the sun rises and sets on her ugly mug!

Not!

According to the dizzy dish-water blond - Paris Hilton, in particular - has taken leave of  her senses.

"She comes up to me and tells me how much she loves my show," the B-list talk-show hostess chided with a grimmace on her tarted-up face, in a one-on-one interview with Style Magazine.

"And,  I'm like, uou can't love my show if you can hear."

Meow!

Just betcha, not one nasty quip slipped by the intelligent young heiress, from the get-go.

Instead of  flying into a rage and instigating a bit"" fight, though, Paris chose to take the high road instead.

Indeed!

When Hilton offered up the compliment on a silver platter, it was obviously her intention to smother Handler with kindness.

When push came to shove, the lady showed a little class - unlike the green-eyed monster - 'ya  know?

Notwithstanding, according to Joan Rivers, Chelsea is simply "not funny".

Ouch!

The last laugh

http://www.julianayrs.com

Kendra Wilkinson...said what? Playboy flavor of the month...

Silky, smooth & "tat"-less is "in" for summer

I was stretched back on the bed - bored stiff and fiddlin' about 'ya know - when I caught the tail end (no pun intended) of the Chelsea Lately talk show on Cable TV's E! Entertainment.

Luscious Playboy babe, Kendra Wilkinson, was plugging her upcoming reality show (slated to pop up for breathy broadcast in the next time slot on E! Entertainment that night), so (lazy dude that I am) I passed on a grab for the remote and settled back instead on a comfy batch of fluffy pillows with an ice-cold jug of mud slide in hand.

Call it a working man's holiday.

I was basically tuned in to familiarize myself with the genre (!) so I'd have a bit of fodder at my disposal for upcoming off-beat tidbits of satire I may be inclined to pen for my blog on the vagaries of the biz (and loose women).

At the top of Kendra's show, the perky blond bimbo proceeded to sashay about her celebrated digs, then mindlessly dabbled in a bit of - um - interior decorating.

To set the artistic sensibilities of her viewers straight, I expect!

After wrinkling up her nose at a handful of blow-up posters of Playboy Bunnies beckoning this way 'n that on the surrounding walls at the Hef estate, little Miss Kendra proceeded to utter up an acid quip.

"These models were all shot in the eighties," she lamented aghast to a couple of bodacious beauties hanging on her every syllable.

Without much subtlety or class, she added with a sly smile:

"There's more bush than thong."

It's going to be an eye-opening experience on reality TV this summer, folks.

Just 'ya wait 'n see!

http://www.julianayrs.com

West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval...the wild 'n kinky party of the year!

In this neck of the woods, local thrift shops are packin' in excited masqueraders, in search of the perfect accessories for their titillating costumes, for West Hollywood's much-anticipated annual Halloween Carnaval party extravaganza, October 31st. (2008 Gay Edition)

Of course, the annual event is a show-stopper in the Los Angeles lower mainland.

The main street in "Boys Town" will be shut down to traffic to accommodate the two or three hundred-thousand costumers expected to hit the ghoulish trail.

According to MTV and E Entertainment, on the spirited occasion - the little city that could - throws the wildest bash of the year on the hippest square mile on the planet.

There will be three stages featuring live entertainment - enough to rock anyone's world - including the much celebrated costume contest stage, where starry-eyed hopefuls can strut their stuff before the teaming masses!

A number of the clubs will be featuring parties.

This year, Chi Chi La Rue's wild outrageous soiree at HERE LOUNGE is sure to be packed to the cobwebbed rafters and rife with studly boys and a gaggle of ubiquitous gay celebrities toasting cocktail glasses and dancing the spooky night away to the wee hours of dawn with carefree abandon.

Chelsea Handley - star of "Chelsea Lately" on "E" - will be ceremoniously crowned the "Queen of the Carnaval" along with her assistant Chuy ("King of the Carnaval") at the Coronation of the Queen *& King which begins at 9 p.m. on the "Bat Stage."

The honorary title of "Queen" and "King" is a highlight at the Carnaval, with the coronation taking place in front of more than 250,000 anticipated revelers this year.

Costume Contest
The quest for the most creative, outrageous and original Halloween costumes in Southern California will take place on Halloween night—right on Santa Monica Boulevard—during the West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval on Friday beginning at 6 p.m.

Unlike in previous years, there will be no pre-qualifying contests in local bars the week before Halloween. Instead, anyone in costume on Santa Monica Boulevard on Halloween night will be a potential finalist for the Costume Contest.

A team of "secret" Halloween judges will be walking up and down Santa Monica Boulevard beginning at 6 p.m. and handing out wristbands that will qualify 20 contestants for the Costume Contest finals at 10 p.m. that evening on the "Bat Stage" located on the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and San Vicente Boulevard.



So, if you want to get noticed, dress to impress.

Costume Contest finalists will be vying for the $1000 Grand Prize; $500 Second Place Prize and $250 Third Place Prize.

So, get crackin' on that costume, eh?

For spectators, the perennial favs will be out in full garb; the West Hollywood Cheerleaders, for example, in their wild bouffant hairdos, careening roller-skates, and eye-catching red & white outfits (with tight-fitting sweaters stretched to the max so that over-size boobs can bob gloriously in the fray).

Any celebrity in the news will be fair game, of course!

I expect, there will be wicked, naughty, or just plain hilarious get-ups poking fun at Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin (no effigies please or Jeffrey Prang will getcha), John McCain, O.J. Simpson, you name it.

One year, I suited up as a cowboy. Ho hum!

Studly, yes. Exciting, no.

If I heard one more "Howdy partner" that night - I thought I would scream bloody-murder - or commit it!

The chaps chaffed, too.

Ouch!

Probably one of the most thrilling, sexiest costumes I ever donned, was hatched at the last minute.

Yeah, one dismal year I was going to beg off from the outdoor festivities to catch the show ringside at home (old age was creepin' in, I guess) - but, last minute - I snapped out of the deep funk and sprang into action.

With despair, I gazed into my sorry closet.

Nada.

But then, what did I spy?

Whoa, nellie!

A pair of boots, a felt fedora, and a slightly-wrinkled trenchcoat, beckoned.

Presto!

I tossed in a jockstrap and came up with a real party-pleaser/

A "Flasher".

Boy, in that impromptu get-up, I encountered the zaniest wildest gang of revellers in my entire Halloween-ie life!

No ***!

As I elbowed my way through the crowded clubs, bar-hoppers were prone to surreptitiously slip their bejwelled or hairy ice-cold hands under my topcoat to cop a feel, non-stop!!!

Or, in a sort-of "truth or dare" moment, offered me enticing beads if I would flash 'em right out there on the street!

Not only did I end up with a whopping set of jewels that year, but I nearly ended up with pneumonia, next day!

For years - I've been promising myself I'd train real hard and sculpt my physique to perfection weeks before the big event - so I could confidently strut down the street in a black speedo with glorious outstretched Angel wings to reveal a fabulous six-pack along with humungous pecs!

Well, guess I'll have to settle for "couch potato" this year!

Who knows? Maybe I'll meet up with the condiment of my dreams!

Heh, it's not as bad as one year.

On that occasion, I woke up next morning with a rabbit next to me in bed, and a lot of hair in my mouth!

Yeah, too many Zombies, go figure!

Chelsea Lately...mean girl tart. Off-the-wall E Entertainment comedian...

The moon must have been - trine, or retrograde, or something - what with all the weird vibrations and screw-ball antics going on all 'round me.

As I channel-surfed at a fellow dude's digs around grub hour, I stumbled across a curious E Entertainment re-run - come lately or Chase somethin' - or other.

The show titillated me, somewhat!

My best bud noted that "Chelsea" (the hostess with the moistest) was one of those slutty Lindsay Lohan "mean girls".

Ah, it dawned on me now, why she was being so nasty to the guests!

Notwithstanding, on occasion - the dizzy, sexy, bimbo blonde babe - was prone to ask some pretty insightful hard-hitting questions as they squirmed in their comfy seats.

For starters, when VJ Logan - Smartest Model in America - sprawled down on the couch next to the show's host - Ben Stein - she poignantly asked,

"Do you have a lot of gay guys comin' on to ya?"

The handsome stud laughingly noted that having a brown belt was a prerequisite for a male model - not to hold up his tight, packed, faded jeans - but to deftly fight the limp-wristed dudes off.

I expect his initials - VJ - stand for "very jock".

One of his eyebrows was wandering off a little too much for my liking, though.

Yes, VJ was a bit too preened, for my tastes.

I guess he's what ya'd call a "metro sexual".

A friend of Ryan Seacrest, no doubt.

Ben Stein, silent 'til now, was probed further.

"So, tell me, how long have you and VJ (stands for very jock?) been married?"

On the heels of this dumb probe which elicited a pregnant pause, she continued.

"Seriously, folks, what is the point of determining if models are intelligent?"

Stein responded, rightly so.

"Well, you know, people want to know if good-looking people are smart."

Yeah?

Not me, I just lay 'em down and go at it, if you know what I mean!

Darn!

When VJ asked Chase - uh - Chelsea - if she'd like to see his chiseled abs, the perky hostess jumped at the chance to peek at his succulent tender flesh.

But, the show obviously was hindered by a stifling low-budget.

After all, when VJ thrust up his sweater, the camera failed to pan in.

In fact - when Chelsea stroked the gorgeous model's smoothe hard body - only she and VJ were privy to the sensual moment.

Can't afford a zoom lens, E?

Or, maybe VJ wanted a bump (more cash) to flash the bod naked on the idiot box?

In one odd-ball moment - well, she's inclined to slip into a few - Ms. Lately assured the audience she'd give Tom Cruise material a wide berth

"Cause he's probably got lawyers hangin' around inside the woodwork."

What a scandal.

When one guest made an off-the-wall remark about Marie Osmond, the mean girl softened a bit.

"Gee, if I made a negative comment about Donnie's sister, I'd feel like I attacked the American flag, or something."

Her gaggle of back-up side-kicks - a smidgen of comics - amounted to a handful of squirming worms.

No, they weren't clever or witty, not a bit funny ha-ha.

Well, one joke about a Mormon's six wives all having a headache one night, wasn't so bad.

But, when I realized the show was taped during the writer's strike, it was obvious the picket lines had taken their toll on the quality of the show.

In another "bit" - I guess it's what they used to refer to in TV's heyday as a comedy "sketch" - Lately asked an attorney how to defend herself in the event actor Scott Baio's penis ever slapped her in the face.

I swear, I'm not makin' this s**t up!

At this juncture, I flipped the dial!

Over at "Soup" (Greg Kinnear's previous gig) the camera was focused on a close-up shot of David Beckham on a couch in tight white undies - with shirt in a fly-away position - revealing fabulous rippled abs.

Suddenly, the soccer stud's crotch started to pulsate wildly!

Then, a frothy explosion of somethin' or other, ejaculated all over the place!

Becks - you do inspire fantasies - even among male hosts who doth protest too much!

I couldn't help but wonder at this point, what does "E" stand for?

"Erudite" Entertainment?